This morning I am still touched to the depths of my soul over God's tender care for my sad heart last night. It isn't that my collision of heart with L was so nasty or vitriolic. It's just that it's happening so often. Even when I walk on eggshells, when I am so careful not to say anything motherly or preachy or protective. Even when I am so careful to avoid a whisper of admonishment or warning in my words.
It all started with this crush on Niko. She is imagining all this admonishment and warning in anything I say because she knows he is a bad boy. So she keeps accusing me of not trusting her. Well, my trust in her has been shaken a little, not because she has even remotely done anything wrong, but just because of her judgment in allowing her heart to be taken by an openly rebellious kid, rebellious to God even more than his parents. And it's not like Niko is cute. He has round chubby cheeks even though he himself is skinny, tiny, pale, rather deep-set eyes, and terrible acne. So it is not his looks that she's attracted to.
What it is is that he is not a nerd. So many homeschooled boys this age are terribly socially awkward, both in the way they carry themselves and in the way they look. To L, being socially adequate is paramount, and this is the first socially adequate boy who has shown her any attention. In fact, he might be the only socially adequate boy she knows.
So, my trust in her judgment has been shaken, and my confidence in her naivete and romantic stupidity has been shored up. This is true. But I am not preaching to her. I have talked about my concerns a couple times (more tears), but really, they hardly see each other, so it is not Niko himself that worries me. I only want to know that L herself has a heart for God's will for her life regarding her future husband and that she will be careful to preserve her heart for that one special man. I also do not want Hollywood morality to callous her to immorality.
So last night's difficulty began because she had come upstairs the night before when her friend was sleeping over to ask if they could rent the movie Dear John. Well, I know Dear John is a sappy romance, which is what they wanted, but I also know that in almost every sappy romance Hollywood produces, the couple in question are "coupling" on screen within 20 minutes of knowing each other. Sex is treated like a need as fundamental as water, even as essential as water. To the Hollywood crew, morality, self-control and the sanctity of marriage are antiquated notions relegated to the few crazies in the country who still believe in that tripe. I just don't want that garbage rubbing off on L; I don't want her to become calloused to the offense to God that immorality is.
Turned out On Demand didn't even have Dear John, so it became a non-issue and they rented Leap Year, which is clean and darling. But she was determined that my issue with Dear John had to do with my not trusting her anymore because of Niko. Mmmm, no. Like I said, Niko has shaken my confidence in her good sense, but I would've been worried about Dear John anyway.
But last night's torrent of tears was over this. That I don't trust her, that I don't believe in her heart for what is good and Godly, I don't know her. She didn't say this, but I know she is hurt because she thinks that I think she's a bad girl for liking a bad boy.
I keep telling her the opposite. I tell her I have complete confidence in her good sense. I know she has a good head on her shoulders, so I am not worried about Niko. But I also tell her that while I am not worried about Niko himself, the situation has alerted me to her inexperience and naivete. I only want to warn her that she doesn't know as much as she thinks she does about boys and how their minds work. And they do not know girls. Girls think boys think like girls, and boys think girls think like boys. It can cause catastrophically mixed signals. That's all. But I tell her I trust her good judgment.
She doesn't believe me, and you know why? It's because she knows she's not displaying good judgment right now. She's is not happy with herself and this flirty thing she has going on with a bad boy. I am just the fall guy. Yep. That's what this is all about, isn't it? She isn't happy with herself right now.
It's a tough job, being a mom. Your heart is consumed with your work, and sometimes your work turns around and bites. Sometimes it spends years biting, doesn't it? =)
She was telling me last night, and this was before things got ugly, that she wishes I were more I Mrs. S, her friend's mom and my friend. I like Mrs. S a lot, and she has an admirably close relationship with her daughter, Olivia. But 1) her daughter is two full years younger than L, only 12, and 2) her daughter draws close to her and agrees with everything she stands for. I said to L, do you really think Mrs. S and I have different views of things like sex in movies? Mrs. S and I are completely on the same page with that. The difference you see is that Olivia embraces her mom's mores without resistance. Olivia wouldn't want to see a movie her mother disapproved of. Olivia would disapprove of it along with her mother!
But getting back to God's sweet touch to my heart last night -- after things blew over, we had our heart to heart and were back on even footing with each other, she came back downstairs and we decided to watch Leap Year together since we love it and they didn't really see it the night before. While we were watching, I opened up my Bible and Small Dog, determined to fulfill my commitment to posting a verse a day, even though I truly didn't have my head in the Word at all, hadn't all day. I just flipped open the Bible and it landed on Psalm 42. I read the passage where David is asking his soul, Why are you cast down? Hope in God, for you shall again praise Him. Then it talks about God's breakers and waves having gone over him, but God commands His steadfast love. He has it all under control.
O Lord, You are so good to console me with that passage. I hadn't even been looking to You for comfort or wisdom until that very moment, and You are so faithful and kind. You cared for my aching heart. I praise You and I thank You. I am steeped in Your love. Thank You.