Friday, March 9, 2012

I am weary

Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.  Galatians 6:7-9
 Still hanging out here in Galatians, and still thinking about what it means to not grow weary of doing good, to not grow weary of holding onto the Spirit, even when things are strained and unpleasant and frustrating at home.  

What does it mean to hold on to the Spirit, to continue to walk in Him when I am not happy, when I am conflicted and confused and frustrated?  In the past it has meant to plow my face into food wherever I could find it, then repent and pray for forgiveness and do my best to continue on from there in the Spirit.

Today I am conflicted and confused and frustrated with T, and I'm worried about R.  I'm worried about L for other reasons, but those are on the back burner for the moment.  And my worry about R does not involve interpersonal strife, so it's much easier to pray, pray, pray for the kid and trust that God will be guiding us and providing what we need for him.  It's the conflict with T that has me turned inside out.

It has me turned inside out because it is more complicated than trusting God to provide or guide or trusting that God has a plan that is better than my own.  It involves misunderstanding and hurt feelings that can't be assuaged.  T asks what is unreasonable sometimes.  If I don't give it to him, he gets mad and holds it against me.  We never talk through anything, things just get buried.  So it happens over and over and over.  And even if I do give it to him, it's not good enough.  Or I'm not doing it enthusiastically enough.  He doesn't listen when I talk or let me finish a thought before he's interrupting with his opinion.  If I disagree with him he gets mad and says I'm a bitch.  So I do my best to keep him out of things, and I regret when I do involve him, like this morning.  But there's no fixing it.  Nothing I can do to fix it at all except to always give him everything he wants and to never let him know if I disagree with him.  Be wise and not talk to him about anything important, like R.

So on paper it sounds easy.  Keep my behavior pure, do what is right before God, and stay connected to Him no matter what emotional cataclysms T chooses to engage in.  The sticky part is figuring out what does it mean to do what is right?  Does it always mean to give T whatever he wants to keep him from pouting?  Is it right to not involve T in R's life just to avoid fireworks?  There is no fixing this, nothing easy about it.  But somehow, even amid the internal turbidity, there is a way to walk in the Spirit.

So this morning I am thinking about this.  God is not mocked.  I must sow to the Spirit even in this difficulty, and not grow weary.  I did do some things clearly wrong this morning.  I walked out of the bathroom and slammed the door.  So I can repent of that.  If God gives me the power of Super Woman before the day is over, maybe tonight I can even apologize to T for that.  I did disagree with T and told him that screaming at R is not going to help R be more organized, which is in reality all he was proposing.  I don't know that there is anything to apologize for in that. (What would I say, I'm sorry you're so inter-personally stupid?)

We'll get through this.  I'll text him my apology right now and hopefully we can have a sweeter conversation about it tonight.  Sunday we celebrate our 23rd wedding anniversary.  Here's to another 23 years.  We really are good for each other, in spite of our fracas this morning.

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