Thursday, February 2, 2012

Rotten Ruminations

I love reading blogs, two in particular that I follow.  I have come to love these women.  I love reading about their husbands, their kids, their financial woes, just their general spins on life.  I quit writing in my blog last July, as you can see.  I guess I decided it was worthless and stupid.  Although it has been a source of joy for me, there is so much I can't say here.  I know no one reads it, and it's very unlikely that if anyone did read it, it would be anyone who knows me or would be able to identify me -- or would care enough to even try to identify me.  But I still have to be so careful not to say anything negative about anyone.  Some days that leaves me with precious little to say!  Sometimes it's hard to be a Pollyanna.

Lately, however, as I've been reading my favorite bloggers, my heart is drawn back here.  I just have to write, even if it is stupid and worthless and no one reads.  Actually, I'm drawn back here partly because no one reads, so it's safe.  And maybe I don't have to be quite as Pollyanna-ish as I've been. 

So, what's the dirt?  I'm frustrated and a little stressed over something trivial.  My daughter has auditioned with two of her ballet friends for a scholarship to their ballet summer camp.  It would be a joy to win!  It would also be a financial boon since the camp costs $1300, but really, I don't worry too much about that end.  I do believe that if God wants any of these girls to go, He will provide for them.  They are all from believing families and all have (I presume) the same perspective.  The real joy would just be in the honor of winning.

Here's the rub though.  My daughter joined this small class of ballet students and quickly emerged as one of the stronger dancers.  She had a few years of previous experience with a different studio, which gave her an advantage, along with her natural ability.  One of her friends had had virtually no experience at all -- maybe a little, but not much to speak of.  Well, bless this girl's heart, she has improved quickly and all but caught up to my daughter.  She is a good dancer!  Good for her.

What's hard though is that one of these three girls will probably win that scholarship.  They were clearly the best in the audition, according to my daughter.  (The audition was for kids in (ballet) grades I-III, and these girls are on the verge of taking their grade IV exam.  So they still qualified for this audition, but it isn't surprising they were the best ones there.)  The one friend is a sweet little dancer.  She has always been very good, and if she wins we'll be genuinely happy for her.

This other friend, however, the one who came with little experience and has improved quickly, is a different story.  Apparently, she thinks she won it.  She thinks the judges were watching her.  Well, maybe they were, and maybe she did.  But if she wins this scholarship instead of my daughter, my evil heart will turn itself into a raging, rabid, jealous wolf.  Just like in that movie, Alien, it will burst out of my chest and do unspeakable damage. If I have to put a smile on my face and feign joy in congratulating this girl on her success, I cannot be responsible for the havoc wrought upon all around me.  I'm dreading the whole thing!

Argh!  We'll find out on Monday who won.

[Please know that the only problem in this situation is my raging, rabid heart, jealous for all the best to go to my daughter and no one else.  I cast no aspersions on the innocent girl.  She and her mother are good friends of ours.)

In the end I have to trust God with my daughter.  His plans for her cannot be thwarted.  I told her that on the way home from the audition, and I need to heed my own wisdom.  There is no need for worry.  Her times are in His hands, whether or not she wins the audition, whether or not she has to be humble in congratulating her friend on winning a scholarship she wanted for herself.  My most ardent prayer is that she have a heart to live for Him, to glorify Him with her dance for as long as He has her dance, even if it's only for the next four or five years through high school. 

I feel dirty. All this has definitely tainted my warm and fuzzy feelings toward this girl who is doing nothing but trying her best, just like my daughter is trying her best.  Gotta go fix my attitude, pray and trust God.  Clean up my act.  This has my soul all in a twist and I don't know what to do about it.  =(


We found out today that L did not win the scholarship, and neither did the friend against whom I would have had the rabid, raging heart. (Although I did get that cleared up;  really, I did!  You can read about that in the next post.)  But the first friend did win it, and we are truly happy for her!

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