2 Corinthians 5:9
Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him.
Eeee-yup. My ambition is to be pleasing to Him. But everyday one thing trips me up, and I've struggled ineffectively for years to conquer it.
Did you know that there are a lot of diet blogs out there? One gal, bless her heart, Shauna Reid, has made quite a name for herself blogging. At one time she weighed 375 pounds, and over the course of several years lost more than half her body weight. She is is a witty, fun read, and now her journey as recorded in her blog has been turned into a book, The Amazing Adventures of DietGirl. I've read it and loved it! It is funny, heartwarming and inspiring. And she still keeps her blog up, www.dietgirl.org.
I've tried to divorce my fat-identity from my cyber-identity, and I especially do not want this to turn into a diet blog. I understand how it happens, but I do not want to give my weight problem that much power in my life, that much voice. The problem is there, but it doesn't have to define who I am.
The other day I took my daughter, L, the ballerina, to a consignment shop to get a party dress to wear to the Daddy-Daughter Dance this Saturday. ($12, woohoo!) What an experience to watch this lithe little thing slip size 6 strapless little ditties over her head, only to have them completely fall off. (She was wearing a leotard underneath, having just come from dance.) This store had a plethora of size 6's for some reason. So we had to hunt for size 4's. Finally found a cute black size 4, which was also too big, but she will wear her black leotard under it and we'll pin the dress to the leo. That way those shoulders and arms aren't quite so bare and, thank you, the dress stays on.
That shopping experience reawakened my longing to be able to slip into clothes easily and have them drape beautifully. I don't want to turn this into a diet blog, and I don't want my whole life to revolve around "fat woman needs to get skinny." I want to live first and get in shape along the way, as an aside.
Having said that, after all my years of wrestling, I think it is time to give up. Weight Watchers worked well for me for a time. I have the Lose It app on my phone which is also good. I have a FitBit and have the FitBit app talking to the Lose It app. I've belonged to four different gyms over the years. They all work. It is I that do not work. I am broken.
So no great insights here, only that it's time to pray. I am broken, I cannot fix this, and I am going to ask my heavenly Father to help me. He has all the power, and He can help me.
...and what is the immeasurable greatness of His power toward us who believe...
I have known this for awhile, but I haven't been ready to ask. Maybe I haven't been ready to forsake my sin, but I am ready now.
The real question, once I get Him involved, is what is my primary ambition? Is having a skinny body the first love in my heart? Or is walking in fellowship with Him my first desire, without this sin interrupting our fellowship? I think I'm getting there now. I want to walk with Him and shed this sin.